Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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