Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
