remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
