My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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