My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
