i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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