I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
