You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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