I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
