just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
