ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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