why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
