I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
