Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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