Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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