i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
