So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
two words...techno handjob
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
