When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
