I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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