i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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