My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
