I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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