a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
