I'm gonna have a badass scar
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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