i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it was like having sex with a tree stump
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
