you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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