Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
