Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
