mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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