Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
