Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
