Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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