Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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