Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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