If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
