After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
