I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
