The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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