Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You made out with two different species that night
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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