i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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