if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
