rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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