yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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