a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
