my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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