Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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