I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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