Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
