chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
