hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
